Check out yet another awesome guest blog by Avik and Julie on tonight’s The Bachelor (February 18, 2013) where Sean Lowe took the remaining 4 on hometown dates! Hold on to your seats…

Good evening, rose-lovers! Are you ready for some hometown dates? It’s that time of the season where the Bachelor is forced to cruelly reject one of the ladies immediately after meeting her family, so the lady feels that not only was she not good enough, but neither was her family. In Desiree’s case, was her family too poor? In Catherine’s case, can Sean deal with her tragic childhood? In Lindsay’s case, is Sean intimidated by her two-star general father? And in AshLee’s case, wait, does little orphan AshLee have a family?

OH, and will Sean punch out some random guy?

Guest blogger Avik is here to help you make sense of all this drama. We open in…

Houston, TX: AshLee
Yes, AshLee does have a family! And it’s a dog. Just kidding. AshLee and Sean enjoy a picnic, and AshLee continues to try too hard to make this happen in her confessionals. We learn that AshLee’s father is a motorcycle-driving pastor.

AshLee shares some more strange psychosexual feelings when she says she wants to marry (someone like) her dad. She says that Sean says the exact same things that her father would say, and it starts getting weirder. Sean says some generic words about meeting her family. AshLee says “you amaze me, every time” and Sean says “Stop.” But AshLee doesn’t stop; she continues, “You’re so handsome” while looking away from his face.

AshLee tells us she has been dreaming about this day since she was 4 or 5 years old. Wait, has the Bachelor been on that long? HOW OLD ARE WE?

Aw, you guys, these parts with parents always gets so awkward for me, because old people can be so sweet. AshLee might have signed up for this public roller coaster, but the parents didn’t. Whoa, it gets even more awkward when AshLee tells her parents about hooking up with Sean in St. Croix. The pastor freezes up.

Sean sits down with AshLee’s parents and they seem perfectly normal and protective and sweet. Sean grills her father about AshLee getting married at 17, and he expresses some regret. Blah blah blah boring relationship/marriage permission talk.

AshLee’s father tells a sweet story about his own “first date with AshLee,” and it gets real serious real fast, and it’s one of those moments where you want to scream at the lady to run from this awful process which is set up to break hearts.

Fewf. Ok, that was intense. On to…

Seattle, WA: Catherine
Sean and Catherine walk around Pike Place Market, and we see Sean and Catherine catching fish thrown at them, using with their bare hands. You guys, this is the least sexy date ever. Now they probably both smell like fish.

Catherine squeaks that she loves the way Sean smells, she loves his big beefy arms, and she loves how he accepts her for who she is. That doesn’t seem like the strongest foundation for a relationship, but they seem pretty into each other, so let’s go with it. Oh great, how they’re putting their chewed gum on other people’s chewed gum, and GROSS. Apparently Seattle is full of disgusting tourist attractions.

Sean and Catherine sit down for a meal, and Catherine sets her family up to be intimidating and full of rules about respecting elders because, you know, Asians.

At the house, Sean meets Catherine’s family full of strong women. Catherine is really surprised at how well Sean fits in with her family, because, you know, he’s not Asian. Sean wears a floofy apron and gamely rolls some egg rolls with Catherine’s mother. It’s fun.

Catherine’s adorable grandmother sums it up: “Handsome. I’m going to get him.” For no apparent reason, Sean does pushups with Catherine on his back.

Catherine’s sisters, however, are a little more suspicious. Apparently, they thought this whole experiment of Catherine going on the Bachelor was a joke, because everything Catherine does is a joke in their eyes. They continue to be kind of mean and older-sister-y about this whole thing, and it freaks Catherine out.

Sean asks the sisters if Catherine is ready to settle down, and the more vocal sister gives a dismissive chuckle. Then they totally sell her out as a flake and talk about how her other boyfriends were better matches for her.

Oh man, I love this family. Sean tries to speak to them in typical Bachelor truisms, and this family of strong women is totally no nonsense and badass about the fact that this is a weird reality show. Sean doesn’t get a chance to ask for their blessing, and he’s leaving this date full out doubt. He doesn’t know how to move forward with Catherine. We’re led to believe that Catherine might go home this week, which means that she’s totally not going home this week.

Well, that was … weird. Now on to…

Fort Leonard Wood, MO: Lindsay
Lindsay is wearing a lot of makeup for today’s date. There’s a lot of America on display here in Fort Leonard Wood. Lindsay’s so excited to show Sean her hometown, but, as she said many times this season, she doesn’t really have a hometown. So, confusing.

Sean and Lindsay sit down at a cupcake shop (wholesome! small town! America!) and talk about how he should address her father. He seems genuinely freaked out about meeting the general.

Lindsay gives Sean some army-adjacent fashion (but not actual fatigues, because that would be disrespectful or something), and they play act a scene where Lindsay’s a kissing, ass-slapping drill sergeant. Sean and Lindsay seem much more into this lame charade than anyone watching at home, and it’s right on the border between awkward and adorable. I guess that pretty much sums up Lindsay.

Sean is truly intimidated about this situation. Sean in his confessional: “Part of Lindsay’s dad’s job includes making men,” so hopefully he sees Sean as a man worthy of protecting his daughter. Whoa, buddy.

Lindsay’s General dad coldly says to her: “Welcome home,” with guns and flags all over the walls everywhere. Lindsay brings up her first-night wedding dress shenanigan, and Lindsay’s mother understandably finds it hilarious, and her father has a look of stony embarrassment.

Lindsay’s mother seems smily and warm and happy to be there. She eats up all of Sean’s answers. Lindsay’s dad, as we have seen in countless previews, is not that way. General Dad is relaxed and cool and is not showing any emotion. For the third time tonight, Sean says “I’m crazy about your daughter” and then he asks for General Dad’s blessing to marry Lindsay. General Dad talks about something something paratrooper military metaphor about authority or something. It’s confusing, but General Dad ends on a yes.

Then General Dad gives an inscribed dog tag to Sean, and this whole date has completely turned into an advertisement for the military.

Ok, time for some drama, so let’s head to…

Los Angeles, CA: Desiree
Desiree meets Sean in the canyon for some hiking. She’s wearing a fluorescent yellow tank top which is super on trend and super annoying. We get a beautiful shot of LA in its smoggy glory.

Desiree shows Sean her apartment, and all the artwork that she did herself, and, uh, it’s awful. Sorry, Des. Some random man knocks at the door, and says that he’s in love with Des, and then calls Sean “some actor” which is pretty hilarious and meta. This is a show within a show! It all seems like some lame set-up, and…[commercial break]… it is! “Gotcha! This is Nick, he’s an actor!” So basically, Des took a page out of MTV’s Disaster Date playbook. Sean pretends to love the prank.

Des’s family comes in, and her brother immediately is a jerk about it all. Wait, is he an actor too? A double prank? We don’t see Sean’s talk with Des’s father, but we see the two men hug it out, so it must have been painfully boring for everyone involved.

Des sits down with her brother, and he continues to be a jerk. He says, “Well I’m thinking, this is not going to work. This is stupid, almost.” And later: “There’s no way this is going to work out.” It’s pretty mean, but sixteen seasons of Bachelor are on his side.

Ok! Time for Sean’s sit-down with Des’s brother. Brother Nathan says he sees that Des is into Sean, but he doesn’t see a reciprocation from Sean. Wait, I’m weirdly starting agree with the brother. Nathan calls Sean “a Playboy,” going from one girl to the next. That’s all true, that is in fact the format of this show. Wait, has the jerky brother unlocked the truths about this reality show/love experiment? Sean gets defensive about his character and integrity, but let’s be honest. He IS dating four women right now, and he IS asking four women’s families for their blessing.

The night ends with an awkward time with Sean and the whole family. Then Sean leaves, and we weirdly get an extended scene with Des and her family. Des confronts Nathan about what he said to Sean, and brother doesn’t apologize for anything. Cool, moving on.

Rose ceremony
We haven’t yet had a reason to see Sean shirtless this episode, so we see Sean getting ready for the ceremony. Sean sits down with Harrison for an interview about the remaining ladies. (Way to earn your paycheck, Harrison!) Sean has no idea whom he’s going to eliminate tonight, but he knows giving the boot tonight to either Catherine or Des. He’s unsure about Des because her brother is a jerk, and he doesn’t know if he and Catherine want the same things right now.

Sean gives the ladies a speech about how he’s not totally sure about his decision, but he’s going to follow his heart. He’s about to give out the first rose and … long pause … and INTERCEPTION! Des wants to talk to Sean. She takes him to a bench by a fire, and she apologizes and cries about her brother’s treatment of Sean. Catherine now wonders if she should have pulled Sean aside too.

AshLee gets the first rose. Lindsay gets the second rose. Cue Harrison for the final rose callout! And the final rose goes to … the table! Sean puts down the rose and walks out without a word. This was obviously off script, because we see a cameraperson scurry to follow him.

Harrison comes in from whatever sandwich he was eating backstage to talk to Sean in the weird room with the framed portraits. Harrison: “My advice to you tonight: Get this right. Take your time.” THANKS FOR THE HELP, HARRISON.

The final rose goes to … Catherine! Sean goes with his initial decision to eliminate Des, but he clearly felt awful about doing that after her tearful apology. Sean and Des have a chat on the elimination bench outside. Des thinks he’s making a huge mistake, and Sean isn’t really sure about the decision himself. They have a very extended goodbye outside the stretch limo of doom. Sean: “I’m going to miss you so much.” Des: “Then don’t let me go.” Oof.

Ok, it’s going to take a while for Des to repair her relationship with her brother.

Next week on the Bachelor: Fantasy Suite dates! But! As we have learned, Sean is a “reclaimed virgin,” so apparently we’re calling them overnight dates.